| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|08:04 pm] |
this is too funny.
i just revisited this journal and i have this list here of poems to write. it's private, only i can see it. but here, a cut-and-paste of funny parts.
it's funny because it's so random.
i mean, *i know what i'm talking about.
and some of you might know what one or two of them mean.
but it's just hilarious, random random random.
*coming out = me at camp pretending
*gerald's (windmill cookies)
*bruno mirror story
*ali/al-x dance poem
*laura--nooses, new years
*hannah, dancing in kitchen, kosher macaroons
*touch (hide and seek, knowing someone's there, never being surprised by touching flesh)
*meredith dream 2 = little girl, pulling veins, fairytale land
*kegan--woman to man, CAN I WRITE THIS POEM?
*tsunami, boy in wave
*professional whistler dies of flu
*woman kills herself so her blind sons can see
*cannibal man in germany
note: some of these have been written.
the gerald's poem.
the coming out poem.
the ali/al-x dance poem.
the hannah/macaroons poem.
so probably you've read them even if you read the other journal.
i don't know why i want to write here tonight.
wine probably
and i'm trying very hard to write at all
and so i figure maybe i need to revisit or something.
i don't know.
i don't even know if anyone reads this ever anymore.
why they would, even.
tonight it's the following things on my mind:
women named shannon. i mean, what's with that, anyway?
wine wine wine.
etta james (ohmygod)
this place is dead almost.
but not. i mean i still love this journal more.
and i hate hate hate locking things. i moved and locked it all. and i haven't made a single friend since, i mean not on lj.
and that's how i found hookbeer and erin and laurie and it's just so sad to me to not have that open anymore.
i've had about ten people tell me in the past month that i look irish. i've had about five people tell me i look albanian. and a few others have said "eastern european" or "russian." all this without prompting.
for real, at work yesterday this man asked me a question while i was changing the trash and i turned to look at him and he goes, "WOW, you're irish." and i was like, "i mean... i guess i am heritage-wise" and he goes, "you mean you aren't *from there? like, you weren't born there?"
i mean wait.
do all people in ireland look irish?
i mean, if you're born in ireland is it obvious?
whatever.
it is a compliment to be irish or albanian or eastern european or russian. i don't know why i'm complaining. i guess because they're all so insistent. "she looks albanian, doesn't she?" "yes, albanian, definitely."
HELLO, I'M RIGHT HERE AND I'M NOT ALBANIAN.
but it's fine.
it's something about the small lips and the weird ass nose.
i don't know.
wow let it spill.
dates? i keep saying show up on my doorstep.
no one ever does. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|11:06 am] |
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he fell into my bed like it was a homecoming. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|11:39 pm] |
i met a woman the other night who had the word "hamartia" tattooed onto her stomach.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
gawd, why didn't i think of it first? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|01:43 am] |
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wrong battery pack for the camera or whatever--just, what you're saying is, what i'm hearing is: *wrong. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|01:32 am] |
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i think this journal is over soon. i'll have a new one. i'll let you all know so you can find me again. i don't feel good here anymore. feels like a false face. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2005|02:04 am] |
tonight could have been sketchy, but shannon and i are home and we are both safe and decent and actually she's asleep on my floor. so. hooray for decency.
and: i can't handle reading yours, so impersonal. i know you're reading and i'm so naked and so sad and so brutal and you're so...still...you're so *flippant and. i don't know. i just. i'm going to stop reading. you should know. one entry in an attempt to tell me something and then *poof like you were never there never real never mine. it's like you're still ignoring me because i smoke and you don't date smokers--never noticed me, not once, like i'm rubbing shoulders and it doesn't matter.
and it *doesn't matter.
just. keep. working.
at it.
at it all.
mmm.
i'm writing lately. i've got a lot to write.
and i can't stop thanking the people who've gone out of their way to make me feel better about me, about what happened, about being alone, about why-you-left-me-and-why-you're-never-coming-back, about why i can't be bitter and why i shouldn't call you names i don't mean. so many people.
tonight was 130 bucks worth of fun i didn't pay for.
at least.
only because they wouldn't take cards.
shannon. sweetheart. LET ME PAY YOU BACK. (and not just for drinks. you have saved me over and over.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|05:49 pm] |
meeting shannon in the city for dinner or something. maybe just coffee or a drink--don't know if she's eaten.
there's this little balloon in my life sometimes, like, it passes by and i somehow grab it and i'm lifted. tiny balloon that's built to carry all of me. up up up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|06:21 am] |
why is it so early and furthermore, why am i awake?
couldn't sleep last night for thinking: of k, of c, of michael's comment, of megan's little notes, of joan larkin and the next few weeks, of h's strange concern for the safety of my heart.
someday this will all make sense. i wonder if we'll be talking when it does, any of us.
probably i'll still be a wino and probably i'll still be writing but i can't say much else. for now, i'm trying to make my days beautiful and not too sunken. and it's working and each day seems less involved with you and less upset by you, so i'm doing something right. maybe some day i will wake up and not remember, not really, how your silence felt or how weakly you broke out of it to tell me, be careful, like *suddenly my heart was in danger. maybe someday i'll forget. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|10:05 pm] |
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speak up. i can't hear you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|09:37 pm] |
again.
drama-less.
and the last time before he moves to san fran or wherever the hell he's going.
i read him some mark doty.
we ordered chinese food and hung out with punk.
and he asked me about me and we spent the whole night talking about me and my friends and my family and my life and hopes and failures and hurts and happinesses.
he's gone now and i'm tired and drained because i'm *not drained. does that make sense?
we serve purposes in each other's lives, all of us: sometimes we are needed for longer, sometimes we outstay our welcome early-on, sometimes we can't see to what end or why. it's just...i've known him since he had breasts and since before he was sick and since the day i turned nineteen and i've known him through three names and several genders and it's a committment. a committment to a person that doesn't go away when they do. he's not hurting me. i'm not hurting him. we have. but now that part is over. now is just maintenance, kisses on cheeks goodbye. looking at each other and searching for what is still familiar, what has not changed or morphed.
when he left, he told me not to settle for less in relationships. i laughed at him and told him to get his ass into the car and go. so he did. like always, like always.
but that's where i am, what i think it's about and what i've always thought it was about. how i function, WHY i function:
it's about NOT HURTING EACH OTHER.
it's about always ALWAYS ALWAYS taking great pains NOT TO HURT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE.
i will invest myself, focus myself, turn my energy toward you if i love you. you deserve to be well and be happy by me. by anyone. that is where i'll put you, then, and where i expect you to put me: out of harm's way.
that's why i did the things i did and why i fought so hard with you when you did not do them in return. i would have done anything within reason to keep you from hurting. you mattered enough to me to bend, to break. yes, k. was a ghost because i loved YOU, because my energy was with YOU. he had no place in the soft heart of us: no one did, not ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|10:49 am] |
aaaaaaand i just got an email from k. telling me that his clit is getting too long to be able to wear underwear.
and honestly, y'all, it's like, i've heard it before from other people so i'm not shocked. what i AM shocked about is that he wears underwear at all. i never knew him to own a pair.
also what i'm shocked about is getting an email from him. like, are you SURE you wanna give me a way to contact you WHENEVER I WANT? that's rather... committed of you, my dear little runaway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|09:54 am] |
just something to remember before you're in my space, my home:
you love *me and i am important to *you BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
you need that from someone, unconditionally, always. and i am that person for you.
and while that might sometimes suck for me and make me bitter, i have been and am willing to care and hope for good things for you.
you're like a wayward child in my head these days, a prodigal son. and i do mean the maternal and creation metaphors, i do intend them. i at least gave birth to the you i believe in, the truths i've told myself: you are, in part, a creation of mine and that's what i keep with me, that's what makes this okay for me.
you use me. it's okay: i invent you so i can keep loving you so that someone will.
it just keeps going on and on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|09:49 am] |
this morning from sleep,
a child's squeeling laugh
became the unoiled swing
of my front door as you
opened it, returned to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|12:23 am] |
wow.
tomorrow;
lunch with the exgf's best friend, who i LOVE
(fuckyouimissyou)
then lunch with the ex (not the same one, a previous one)
then dinner with another ex (k) and then passing out before work early in the am
oh mygod i'm drunk
but as sick and awful as it is the world is too pretty now not to say so.
pretty.
and no, goddammit, i'm not drinking alone.
i am now--and always--in such good company.
such good company.
the world
gorgeous.
GORGEOUS.
damn anyone who says otherwise.
but: where'd you GO? i don't care.
i can type almost right.
i can feel almost right.
you're already in there.
you'll be wearing my tattoo.
(circles and circles and circles again.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|12:14 am] |
iv'e had a little wine
excuse me.
ahem.
jeez, she sure is pretty. they sure are pretty. the world. it sure is pretty. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|12:56 am] |
i just had drinks with k. she is now he. k. means something new now. k's voice is low and k has facial hair a little bit and k. is discussing tranny politics with me like i'm new to it. i say, "remember? i lived with two trannies?" and he says, "you lived with trannies?"
and i just think, GOD I LOVE YOU AND GOD YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKUP.
don't you ever LISTEN, k?
it was good to see him. he looks good and he's happy and more talkative than i've ever known him to be. genuinely happy. and maybe we're seeing each other again on thursday because after that he's leaving new york for good (again) and i don't know when/if i'll ever see him again. per usual, not much is new.
honestly.
almost everyone i know is at a place of complete self-focus. including myself, so i can't say this like it's negative or like i disapprove. all i can say is when you put a whole bunch of self-centered people together, it's like, who has seniority? who does the night get to be about?
and tonight got to be about k. k. asked me nothing about myself. has no idea i was dating someone or that i'm not anymore. this is partly because k. always assumes i'm single because k. wouldn't want to talk to me if there weren't the possibility of romance between us (although it never happens, single or not, so it doesn't really matter).
oh my god.
i'm amazed at this. at how little i care. i mean, i CARE. so much. so much i'd die for him, like i'd die for a few other people in my life. i CARE because he has been such a HUGE part of my life, has been the entirety of my maturation, has been the most important absent person in my life for six years and still is and because i know he needs someone to care about him. he always has needed someone to care about him. which is why he keeps coming back to me because he knows i'm that person. i love him and i find him BEAUTIFUL, unquestionably, painfully, ridiculously BEAUTIFUL inside and out.
but this time it's like i don't have the energy for emotions. i don't have the energy to be truly affected. i didn't cry on the way home or want to cry while we were together. i just listened and tried to understand and the only time when the conversation even veered CLOSE to me was when he said that what he took from that last time we saw each other was the sex conversation: he went home and thought a lot about it and wanted me to know tonight that it wasn't me and he understands why i felt like it was and he understands how he hurt me and he's sorry: he was just uncomfortable in his skin and now that he's transitioning like this, he feels better and everything makes sense, it's all coming together.
THAT is quality.
THAT is progress.
but no drama, please. a couple sangrias and a walk around and things like, "you smell the same," and " i missed you" and "you look good" and "wow, k., you have a fucking RAT TAIL AND A FAUXHAWK AT THE SAME TIME." and then he dropped me off at the train and i got on and read james and the giant peach and now i'm home and i do love him still but so calmly and so steadily and so skeptically, too: like, he won't follow through with thursday and i know it.
he's probably lying to me about being single and i know it. probably he's lying to me about everything and doesn't even know it.
and tonight, at least, that's okay with me.
i'm okay with that.
i'm just glad he was smiling and breastless and deep-voiced and i'm glad he smelled the same and that whoEVER he's with or not with, he's happy somehow. and i'm just glad i'm home and safe and don't need to drink or call anybody or write a poem to work through this.
i just want sleep and a good morning and maybe a haircut.
i want his life to be long and mine, too and i want for them to sometimes overlap for a moment or two. i want someone else to love him for life, though: that's the biggest and only dramatic thing i felt tonight.
she left him because she doesn't want to be a caretaker and she'd go out dancing on nights when he was sick.
i felt so emotionally torn last time i saw him because i LOVED HIM SO MUCH and WANTED TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND/LIFEPARTNER. but i was also so AT EASE because i finally knew someone was caring for him. so he wasn't out there alone.
but now i'm at ease with how i feel and how i love him but i am uncomfortable knowing i can't be his caretaker and no else is doing it, either.
he's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
all of us can.
but who should ever have to? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|02:37 pm] |
this photo is...three years old? two?
but still. i crack myself up sometimes.
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2005|11:33 am] |
today will be a day of focusing on the good things.
the past couple of weeks have obviously sucked. but.
when i went to take my car to get it fixed, one of the men in the shop walked outside, picked a flower from the windowbox, came back in, and handed it to me, saying in very broken english (he is italian), "now there are two beautiful flowers in the room."
then, when amanda and lauren came to visit. well, i mean, that's enough--amanda and lauren came to visit. and that was marvelous. but i was giving them the tour of the neighborhood and i was saying, "this is the chinese place that i love because i have a crush on all the men who work there and they love me back," and just as i said that and we passed the open door, all the men were sitting down at a table eating lunch together and they looked up and waved with these manic grins. it was fabulous. like sitcom fabulous.
and just now, today, i've had three very pleasant interactions with people. first i went to the new bakery down the street to get a cup of coffee. i hadn't been there yet. the women were super kind and took a very long time to concoct my cup of iced coffee with their own suggestions (some chocolate sauce or something... i don't know, there didn't seem to be a science to it, just a bit of this, a sprinkle of that) and then called me sweetie and told me to have a good day.
and then i went to get chinese food (craving lately, i don't know why... maybe it's the attention. ha.) and my number one boyfriend was there (when they see us outside of the store, they smile and wave and say the number of our house, like, "see, we remember! we know you!" and one time i saw my number one in the dunkin' donuts and he all blushed and stammered and so did i and it was really sweet) and he gave me free soda and a free eggroll and told me thank you about ten times.
and then i went to the dollar store to buy some kidney beans (i'm so obsessed with kindney beans) and juan, the dollar store manager, started talking to me and asking how i was--he hadn't seen me lately and are things okay? i told him i was just trying not to spend too much money lately because i didn't get as much financial aid this year and he asked where i went and i told him and he said, "wow," and then proceeded to tell me all about this restaurant and bar he used to own up in new rochelle and how the sarah lawrence girls were always coming there on weekends to drink and dance. that was sit-com, too, like his eyes tilted skyward and he was remin*iscing like his life was flashing before his eyes. anyway, he's a good man and when i see him on the streets he's always so kind and smiles. juan is my pal.
and anyway, there are a lot of people who are trying to make my days happy.
c-the-roommate (from now on we're calling her punk, by the way... i'm tired of the c-hyphen business) bought me a huge gerber daisy last week and a big ass bottle of wine.
and mer took me to the movies and shopping and distracted me for a while, saying funny things like, "we're grade a meat and they're what? grade d but still edible?"
and e stayed up talking to me and sharing her curry with me the other night and my mom and dad call to make sure i'm okay.
and heather is reminding me that people who've known me since i was sixteen think i'm beautiful and desirable and helping me pick out my outfits.
and megan even said, "anybody'd be crazy to dump you."
even my sister is paying decent attention to me and shannon is coming again this weekend and spending her time in preparation flattering me into feeling good about myself.
i need to see these things more clearly. |
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ayudame's journal